Category: Relationships

DEALING WITH DISCOURAGMENT IN MINISTRY

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One thing I have learned in ten years of ministry is there will be lots of disappointments.  Especially, for those of us in Student Ministry, discouragement will be abundant.  Students, parents, leaders, members will all let you down and the flip side, you will most certainly let them down as well.  So I am writing this to let all of my friends in ministry know how to fix the problem…..

Ready for it…

Get rid of all the people!

There you go.  If you eliminate all the people in your church, the problem of disappointment will be gone… unless you are a numbers guy.  Now of course I am joking but from time to time we all feel that way.  The problem is people, but this is what God planned.  Think about it, God decided to use broken and messed up people to help broken and messed up people.

So, if discouragement in ministry is inevitable, where is the hope in ministry?  Because, in the illustrious words of the late Charles Siburt, “there is no possible way to contort the human voice to make whining appealing to the human ear.”   So how do you deal with discouragement?

1. Focus on YOUR NEED for the Gospel.  One of the biggest traps I fall into in ministry is focusing on how much everyone around me needs to hear the message of Jesus, because they are broken and messed up people.  When we do we begin to see our self as a practitioner rather than a patient.  Unfortunately, the church has lost sight of this truth, expecting for those in ministry to not struggle as everyone else does. We find great joy in the appearance we present to people.  In doing this it is “self” that is glorified and not Christ.  Paul makes a point to point out his weakness…

 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. 1 Timothy 1:15-16

People will follow the example we set.  If we are unwilling to admit our brokenness, it is pretty ridiculous to expect those we are leading to admit their brokenness.

2. Surround yourself with a close group of people you can share things with, who can help to encourage and pray for you.  For me there are several different circles.  One circle consists of people in our church, who know me and my ministry very well.  They know where I want this ministry to go.  They offer an open ear and loving voice.  They know my heart and genuinely care for me, not just what our ministry is doing.  These are the people I go to with leadership problems, thoughts, dreams.  I also have a close circle of 5 or 6 friends in ministry, who are in the trenches, we share ideas and dreams. We seek advice and counsel from each other drawing on the experiences of each other.  The most important circle though is my family.  This is also my first and most important ministry.  I have to focus on taking care of this relationship, because the health of this relationship, with my wife and children greatly affects my mindset in the rest of my ministry.

3. Our job in ministry is not to fill people up, it is to empty yourself.  Somewhere along the way someone convinced me it was my responsibility to fill people up to send them out.  They were wrong!  You have absolutely no control in ministry of how people with respond to the message of Christ.  Jesus told us, there would be people who hear this message and want absolutely no part of it.  There would be people who say they are a part of His Kingdom and would continue to choose other things.  So it floors me, that I get so discouraged when people chose other things over Christ.  And just maybe they are following their leader, if we are completely honest.  No matter how badly you want someone to know Christ; they might want nothing to do with Him.

Jesus has called us to build His Kingdom here on earth, not our own.  It is amazing how easily we confuse the two.  Discouragement is something we will always deal with in ministry.  Jesus did, Paul did, the apostles did, and the early church did.  Get use to it, but by all means do not give up on what God has called you to do and more importantly WHO he has called you to BE!

These are just a few examples of what I rely on, and of course there are many other principles out there.  So how do you deal with discouragement in ministry?

THE CORE: DEFINING WHO WE ARE & WHAT WE DO

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Are we developing faith within the life of students that sticks?  Are we developing a “Sticky Faith,” a faith that will continue on after the walls of this church are in the rear view mirror?

It is our desire that Westhill would be place where the foundations of a lifelong faith in Christ are formed.  A place of life change, where students are introduced to Jesus and the world around them is radically shaken by the transformation they have experienced.

ENGAGE:
Following Jesus has never been about us, it has and always will be about building His kingdom.  The church was called, then gathered, then formed for the purpose of being sent out.  We are called to go and engage the world with the message of Christ.  We engage the world through serving those around us in our schools, our community and our world.  We share a responsibility to invite people to experience the story of Jesus through our life on display for all to see, as a city on a hill.

EQUIP:
The most important relationship in the life of a student is their relationship with their parents. We highly value this relationship above all other relationships in the life of a student. Since we place so much value on this relationship, we are committed to doing all we can to help equip and assist parents in every way possible.

CONNECT:
We are not simply a Student Ministry we are a part of a church. It is vital for students to find connections outside of our ministry to build relationships with other caring adults who are willing to pour into the life of a student to mentor and disciple them in their growth in Christ.

CREATE:
We strive to create an authentic family atmosphere within WSM.  A place to belong, to feel accepted, loved and a place where they are not judged. We desire to create environments where students develop relationships with other students and caring adults, who will help them to see a bigger picture of what the Kingdom of God looks like here on earth.

EMPOWER:
We want Westhill to be a place which models servant leadership for our students and then entrusts them to serve.  These students are leaders now, in their schools, in their home and in the church. It is our desire for students not to merely be here, but to find a place to plug in and serve. We want to create a safe place for students to lead and a safe place to fail within our ministry. We want to see every student plugged into a ministry within the context of our Student Ministries.  It is our desire as 11th & 12th graders they would serve in the same ministry in the larger church.

LEADERSHIP 101: CREATING CLEAR EXPECTATIONS

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I feel like this is a lesson I should have gotten somewhere along the way, in school, grad school or a conference, somewhere but it is a leadership lesson I have been learning on my own.  As a leader what are your expectations for the people you are leading?


Often, I find the people I am leading do not meet my expectations.  Which can be very frustrating for a leader; especially, when they are teenagers.  Typically, we chalk it up to apathy or laziness and dismiss the possibly it could be our own fault they are not meeting our expectations.  This has been a challenge for me over the last several years with our Student Leadership group.  On the flip side there is nothing more discouraging than constantly trying to meet someones expectations you are unaware of.  It can only lead to failure and frustration.

This year, I decided to approach the expectations from a different angle.  I created a covenant for the students and the parents to sign, laying out exactly what I expect from students serving in this ministry.  After I handed out the expectations and asked them to sign and return, I had a conversation with a couple of our seniors in Student Leadership.  They were wondering why this was necessary, not in an upset way but a curious way.  They kind of understood these expectations.  So I asked them specifically, did you know I expect you to…  and I went through the list of expectations.  Several they understood from the beginning, some they had figured out over time and one they did not even know.  So why did it surprise me that my expectations often went unmet?

In leadership, often our greatest frustration comes from unmet expectations.  What if instead of looking at the people not meeting our expectations, we looked in the mirror at the one creating the expectations.  Expectations not being met?  Ask yourself, are your expectations clear?  How do they know your expectations?  Have you communicated the expectations clearly?  There is a great difference between expectations being clear in your head and the expectations being clear in other people’s heads.

So enter the covenant.  Here is what I came up with for anyone in our Student Leadership group.  What are your thoughts and/or feedback on the covenant?  How do you clearly communicate expectations?

Student Leadership Covenant

CONFESSIONS FROM THE TRENCHES – LIFE IN STUDENT MINISTRY

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Wow, what a summer!  That’s what our students say.  Wow, what a long summer!  This is what I say.  And with every year it seems to get longer.

It is not that I don’t enjoy it because I do.  But quite honestly it is the reason many don’t last in youth ministry.  And the same is true for different seasons in other ministries as well.  I wanted to spend a few minutes sharing my heart as the summer draw to a close.  Not what is on my heart per say, but rather the condition of my heart.  There is a song we sing from time to time, it says…

My eyes are dry, my faith is old
My heart is hard, my prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to You and dead to me

If I am completely honest, this is how I feel at the end of every summer.  So why is it that the summer takes such a toll on me.  The bottom line is this, you can only pour out so much of yourself without being filled back up.  It is so easy to fall into the trap in ministry of “doing ministry”.  Summers are full, in fact they are jam packed.  Lots going on, lots of students who need attention, lot of being out of town, a lot of late nights, a lot of prep work to be done.  And then there are the responsibilities at home; the relationship with your spouse, your kids, helping around the house.  The question then comes, if your pouring yourself out in all different directions, then who is pouring into you?  If I am honest, the answer for me is no one.  During the summer, I go into one of two modes.  There is ministry mode and there is family mode.

You could think of it like this.  You work and work at building up your lung capacity for an extended period of time and then you hold your breath as long as you possibly can and then… you pass out.  I feel it is where I am at the end of every summer.  I will admit I am getting better at one thing, masking the condition of my heart.

I guess you could some up my heart condition like this, I have gotten much better at “doing” than “being”.  I have gotten better at doing ministry, and being a minister than I have at simply resting in God’s presence.  So why share this?  There are a several of reasons.

  1. I have a feeling I am not alone.  Not alone as far as other ministers go and not alone with the people I minister to.
  2. To recognize the problem is the first step in working toward a solution.
  3. Openness about our condition should be the norm in church.  People are so afraid of what others will think, to the point it completely nullifies the openness we are to share with one another.  And I admit I am even nervous posting this, because we never talk openly about it in our churches, especially those in ministry.
  4. So that you can pray for me in my journey.

So where do I go from here?  Back to abiding in the one who gives life and resurrects from the dead; significant time in the word, in prayer, listening to the loving voice of our God.

Paul prayed this for the church in Ephesus, but this is my prayer today for me and anyone else who is or has been where I am…

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:14-1 NIV

So where are you in your journey?

GREAT WEEK OF HARDING UPLIFT

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UPLIFT at Harding is always a great week, although we started a bit shaky but the week end on some great notes.  We left bright and early on Saturday morning but a couple of hours into the drive we had a blow out in van 2.  And yes it is the 666 license plate van.  We have to get that changed before Missouri next month.  Made for a stressful rest of the day; running behind.  Day 2 we spent in the ER with a student we thought was having appendicitis.  She ended up heading back to Cleburne for more testing.  She is doing better.  Day 3 we spent the afternoon at the doctor’s office for a student with Strep throat.  From then on things ran very smoothly.  Day 4 and 5 were great.

Day 5 was the highlight of my week though.  I was done teaching for the week so I got to just hang out with kids that morning.  After lunch I went and hung out with coach Fullerton my college baseball coach.  I had not gotten to see him in several years, so it was great to catch up.  That afternoon we played a lot.  I played in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament with Ben and Trent.  Well, we played 1 game anyway.  We lost 10 to 8.  Then several of us played some volleyball and dominated.  We won 4 straight and then lost our focus and lost our final game.  Britany challenged Makalah to a race so we went out to the track and they raced in the 200 meter which Britany won… and Makalah almost died.  Then the rest of us ran a 100 meter which Taylor won with a blown out knee.  Our group devo that evening was amazing.  It was one of the highlights of the week.  We spent an hour and a half encouraging each other.  Such a great evening!  The evening was topped off with Mary Beth making the decision to give her life to Christ in baptism.

At times youth ministry can be very frustrating because you are dealing with people.  Kids make dumb decisions, things go wrong and summers can be very tiring.  But it is days like Tuesday and Wednesday that remind me why I do love Youth Ministry.  I love hanging out with students, I love seeing them grow and I love seeing them make decisions to follow Christ.

5 Reasons Transit was My Most Successful Ministry Weekend

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Forgive me for the lack of posting in the past several weeks.  I have been putting all of my time and energy into getting ready for Transit this past weekend.  It was an immense success for our ministry, and I see such a bright future in this ministry.  We focused on three relationship over the course of the weekend, spent time in worship and family prayer.  So what made the weekend so remarkable?

1.  Family – the majority of our incoming 6th graders and their parents made this weekend a priority.  Moms, dads and their 6th graders spent time worship together, playing together, sharing together, praying together.  We focused on relationships.  The Relationship with Christ.  The relationship with family.  The relationship with friends and mentors.

2.  Established Mentors – each of the 6th graders invited 3 or 4 influential adults to join us for a special ceremony on Saturday as we concluded our weekend.  The students selected these adults because they have seen them as significant influences on their life up to this point.  For the ceremony, the student, parent(s) and mentors sat in a circle.  The student began with some of the highlights from their school year and thoughts about moving forward.  Then the mentors and parents shared with the student the following 3 things. 1. Share with the student the Godly qualities you see in this student.  2. Then you will give them a charge to follow Christ and remain faithful to Him. 3. What is your hope and prayer for this student as they go through junior high/high school.  These mentors were then given a charge to walk with these students through, Jr High, High School, college and life transitions.  My dream is these relationship would last forever.

 8 We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. (1Th 2:8 NIV)

3. Involvement – This weekend involved a lot of our students.  Our Student Leadership help with greeting and leading a session by themselves with the 6th graders.  Our students in our worship ministry led worship for the weekend and did an amazing job.  Students also ran media support for the weekend.  David and Michelle  along with 3 of our middle song teachers led a round table discussion with the parents.  So great to see so many serving.

4. Connections – Entering Jr. High all of these new 6th graders have mentors they are now connected to as well as one of our student leaders.  Parents took time to sit and pray with the students.  Hopefully this is happening a bunch already but is great to have really intentional and focused times.  We also got sevre helpful resources in the hands of parents and student.  Each parents went home with The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development, Shepherding a Child’s Heart,  Creating an Intimate Marriage: Rekindle Romance Through Affection, Warmth and Encouragement, 99 Thoughts for Parents of Teenagers.  Each Student went home with Surviving Middle School: A Hilarious Guide that Will Help You Avoid Being a Dork.

5. Money – I asked our congregation to help support this weekend.  We were given enough money to pay for all of the resources for the students and parents and have a nice catered meal of Friday evening.

Our first Transit weekend was a huge success.  I will spend some time later this week processing ways we can improve heading into next year.

This is the transit_blessings parents and mentors received prior to the weekend.

Our Schedule
Schedule:  Friday, May 18th

6:00 PM – Worship (Relationship with Christ)
7:00 PM – Dinner
7:45 PM – Parents Session 1
7:45 PM – Students Session 1
8:45 PM – Worship
9:00 PM – Go Home for the evening

Saturday, May 19th

8:30 AM – Breakfast at church
9:00 AM – Worship (Relationship with Family)
9:45 AM – Parents Session 2
9:45 AM  – Student Session 2
10:30 AM – Worship & Prayer (Relationship with Friends & Mentors)
11:00 AM – A Rite of Passage
12:00 PM – Go Home

FREE MINISTRY RESOURCES

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I have talked a little over the last several weeks about a new ministry we are beginning called “transit.”  It’s purpose is pair up students with caring adults to shepherd and mentor them through junior high, high school and into life following high school.  Once our incoming sixth graders are set I will turn my attention to the other grades.  My goal is to have all grades set up by the end of next school year.  If you want more details of what I am envisioning you can check out this post, “Creating Meaningful Relationships in Student Ministry.”

I thought I would make the resources available to other youth workers in the process as I am putting it together.  Feel free to use, adapt, and make better.  Here are a few letters, one is to the congregation, one is to parents and one is to sixth graders.  As I get more finalized this next week I will add them here.

parent_invite

mentor_letter

collection letter

5 INSIGHTS FOR MENTORING STUDENTS

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Over the past several years, I have been focusing more and more energy on discipling and mentoring students.  At Cataylst this past year Andy Stanley challenged leaders with this statement, “teach people to do what you do.”  Pretty basic right.  I have been looking at different things in my ministry I do on a regular basis and trying to teach and empower students to learn to fill those roles.

I made the decision to stop getting adult co-teachers each quarter but instead to pair up an experienced teacher with a young inexperienced teacher or better yet a student.  So this quarter has been our first try, it has been really good, and really bad.  Haha  I thought I would share some insights and things I have learned from the first go around that could help those in ministry beginning in this process.

This quarter our High School class has been taught by a guy who has been teaching for me for a while.  He is a fireman and has to miss every 3rd Sunday.  I paired him up with one of our seniors in High School who does a good job teaching and is contemplating going into ministry.  Our Jr. High class has been taught by me and a 9th grader who has taught a couple of times in the past and has really enjoyed it.

  1.  Prepare to be frustrated, because you will.  Especially, when dealing with students.  There will be a time they will not show up.  Whether, they didn’t have a ride, they forgot, something happened.  Just because they don’t show up does not mean they will call and let you know they won’t make it.  You must remember these are teenagers, and part of this process is mentoring them through these issues.  I have had to let them know on several occasions when you say you will be somewhere, be there.  If something urgent comes up, call.
  2. Create a covenant.  I wish I had done this early and asked them to sign it.  Also, I would have parents sign it so they know what is expected of their student.  Lay out the expectations.  For instance, we will meet every week at 5 PM on Wednesday to plan out Sunday.  Do not assume the student will tell their parents their schedule.
  3. Value the relationship over the instruction.  The teaching aspect is very important but the relational aspect is even more crucial.  Pour into the person’s life first and foremost and everything else you are trying to teach them will be communicated to.  Most adults when asked to teach focus on the tasks of teaching.  This has been difficult for someone who has been doing this for so long.  Yes, I want you to teach your class, but more importantly I want to you teach this student how to teach, prepare and study.  The goal is not make sure the class has a teacher that week.
  4. Have a set schedule.  I set up a calendar at the beginning.  I would teach the first 3 weeks and they would observe.  When we would meet we would talk about different aspects of the class, why did I choose to do or say something a particular way.  The next 7 weeks we would team teach.  Divide the lesson out and both have roles.  The final 3 weeks is all the student.  Also, schedule your meeting time on a weekly basis to prepare for class.
  5. Read a book together.  We have been reading “Communicating for a Change” by Andy Stanley.  Each week we read a chapter or two and discuss the reading in our weekly meeting.  I have found this is very helpful for them because the book is so practical they can use what they are reading right away.

I would love to know some ways you are integrating students into ministry and what are some of the lessons you are learning in the process?

CREATING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS IN STUDENT MINISTRY

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How well do you remember Middle School?  I hated middle school.  The world around me was changing and even my own “world” was changing, if you know what I mean.

Then there was high school and college.  From the age of 11 through about 25, your world never stops changing.  Throw into the mix unstable home environments for many, bullying and the constant desire to advance up the social ladder, it is no wonder why these can be some of the most difficult years in a young person’s life.  What if the church had a different way to respond to the problems?  For years youth ministry has seen the incredible value of creating adult relationships within the context of student ministry.  Now others such as Chuck Bomar (Slow Fade) are coming in and saying the relationships are the key to the transition from High School to College.  What if student pastors and ministers had an even bigger picture of the life of a student and possible impact of their ministry?

The national average tells us around 60% of church kids will walk away from their faith before they graduate from college.  I believe there are several reasons this is happening.  However, instead of just stating problems I want to talk about solutions.  I want to help equip parents better disciple their own children.  I also want to help teenagers connect and develop relationships with other adults in the church, to encourage them and help them to bridge the gaps during times of transitions.  This is where TRANSIT comes in.  Transit will be focus around several key transitional times in the life of a teenager.  First, the move from 5th to 6th grade.  This is an enormous jump in adolescences.  The second jump is from 8th to 9th grade with the transition from Jr High to High School.  The next significant transition is moving from Junior year into Senior Year.  The final key transition comes as they make the jump from High School to college.  Of course there are other milestones that will occur along the way, but I want to focus on these four times.

At Westhill, I have been thinking through transitions for students.  The one thing I am discovering is the transitions are constant.  But what if the relationships we were creating for students to transition from High School to college were the same relationships the student had when they transitioned from 5th grade into 6th when they entered our ministry?  How could this work?  What would it look like?

So here is my plan is to begin this May with students who are finishing 5th grade and moving into 6th grade.  We are going to have a memorable weekend designed for parents and their students.  We will spend time worshiping together as families; and praying over each other, helping to equip parents and students for this huge time of transition.  The weekend will end for the new 6th graders with a Rite of Passage Ceremony.  Parents will sit down with their son or daughter and help them to pick out 3 or 4 adults in our church they consider to significant in their life.  The adults along with their parents will make up the group.  During this ceremony, the adults which the student has invited will share some positive character attributes they see in the student and each adult will give the student a specific charge.  The ceremony is built around 6 key topics, FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, PURITY, INTERGRITY & FAMILY (Concept taken from James McBride’s Rite of Passage).  To close the ceremony, I will give these adults a special charge to walk with these students through Jr. High and High School.  The mentor’s goal becomes helping in their transition into college and career and to them get connected to a church, no matter where they end up.  My desire is this relationship is one that will last a lifetime.

So how do we keep these relationships fresh and the commitment strong?  My hope is to come back each year through Jr. High and High School and have something geared toward the 6 key topics.  Not a full ceremony every year because I think it would lose significance.  Still having something every year to pull the student, parents and adults back together to re-commit to their walk together.  During these events I want to provide parents and students with resources that will be helpful to them in their journey.  My desire for our student ministry to start focusing as much time on the mentors and parents as we do the students.

Here is what I am thinking right now as far as special weekends.

  • 6th Grade – Ceremony – Transition from Elementary to Jr. High
  • 7th Grade – Purity Covenant with parents and the group
  • 9th Grade – Transition from Jr. High to High School
  • 16th Birthday (Equip Parents to do their own Rite of Passage ceremony with their son or daughter.  Rite of Passage is a great resource for the ceremony.)
  • Finishing 11th Grade – Preparing for the next step
  • Finishing 12th Grade – Tying this into our Senior Sunday and allowing the group of mentors to each give a charge, a blessing and a gift to each student.

So these are my initial thoughts and I would love to hear yours as I continue to develop these ideas in our ministry.  As I mentioned, I am beginning with our 6th graders this May so give me some of your thoughts.